Mr. Saturn sprite Matthew Moulton, aka Onideus Mad Hatter, a true professional.

sprite reidman

    Over the past day or two I’ve posted my entire design portfolio to Flickr. I finished it last night and went to bed at 5 AM. I awoke a few hours later and, upon checking my account, found that I had made a friend overnight. He decided to comment on one of my client websites:

    …gah…what a horrible color scheme that is! Look here kiddo: www.backwater-productions.net/images/Muses/Color_Theory…

    See if you can’t learn yerself somethin. Further, if you can’t tilt your images without making them look all jagged on their edges…don’t. Also you got WAY too many fonts types goin on here. Seriously, pick two and then stop, anymore than that and you start looking like you were either confused about what direction you wanted to go with your style or you just got click happy in Photoshop after downloading a some font pack. Yes, look at all the pretty fonts, very nice, but you don’t need to use them all at once. Less is more. Overall the design is very cookie cutter looking, it looks like the sort of $5.99 template job you’d buy off “Bob’s Discount Web Designs” or whatever. There’s no soul to it, no sense of style or individuality. One of the first things you should ask yourself is, “What does the design say about the company? What does it convey to visitors?” In this case…it says HALFASS with an extra helping of “couldn’t give a --”.

    Well that was sweet. I looked up his Flickr profile and he had only posted one picture, in which he photoshopped the head of a famous web designer/developer onto some gay porn. Classy. I deleted his message and got back to work. A few minutes later, however, I got an email from a guy named ‘Matthew Moulton’. Sure enough, its my new friend!

    From: Matthew Moulton Subject: LOL

    You can’t cover up what you don’t like on the Internet, Kiddo:
    http://groups.google.com/group/alt.html/msg/4e2a984d0fb5ac8c

    If you can’t take the criticism you best stay the -- out of the biz. `, )

    “wtf happened to that poor smiley” I lamented, but no time! It was time to engage my web design peer in this serious conversation. And so I clicked on the usenet link and found that he had reposted his criticism, along with an awesome signature. And so I responded to let him know that I wasn’t going to let him troll me. Apparently this careful sleight was a bad idea and I was really in for it now. Matthew Moulton, professional web designer, had enough of my amateur pandering and took it to the next level — emailing my mommyclient. That’s right, he emailed my client to let them know how much of a hack I am:


    I just wanted to let you know how horrible I think your site design looks. First of all the palette used doesn’t fall within the scope of professional color theory http://www.backwater-productions.net/_images/_Muses/Color_Theory.png

    Here’s a lovely quote for you:

    “When choosing colors for your design, remember a few rules for mixing
    colors. The human eye cannot focus on red and blue at the same time.
    Trying to read red type on a blue background or vice versa causes
    extreme eye fatigue. Your audience will not be receptive to your
    message if it hurts them to read it. Never, ever use blue type on a
    red background and even worse, is red type on a blue background.”

    Another problem with your site is the over use of fonts. Generally
    speaking you want to stick with just two font styles, any more than
    that will create a jumbled, messy looking design that will make it
    hard for your viewers to focus on any one thing.

    Yet another problem with the site is that when the user scrolls down
    the page the navigation bar is lost. This is a VERY amateur level
    design structure. Professional level design teaches that you should
    NEVER lose the users ability to navigate through your site, because
    once you do the only navigation they have left is that great big back
    arrow at the top of their browser that’s likely going to take them
    right off yer site…and they won’t be back.

    The graphics on your site are also poorly done. Not only have they
    been improperly split apart and compressed, the tilting effect was
    done very poorly and has produced some very jagged, nasty looking
    edges that really stand out and practically scream “our site was
    designed by a 15 year old!”

    Overall the design the very plain, cliche, cookie cutter looking and
    doesn’t really convey anything about your business. It’s boring and
    annoying to browse at best. I’m not sure if you just got suckered
    into buying some $15 web template (or even worse got resold a $15 web
    template for 10 times the original price), but in either case your
    website at this point is only serving to hurt your business and you
    would be far better off without it. If you’re not even going to take
    the bother to at least attempt to take the endeavor seriously and have
    an ACTUAL professional level site made…don’t waste people’s
    bandwidth.


    Matthew Moulton
    http://www.backwater-productions.net

    I realized that I was dealing with a weapons-grade troll, so I looked him up on Google. And wouldn’t you know, he’s got kind of a history. I ignored the email he wrote to my client (she likes her design and his email was pretty insane, so whatever) and was writing up this post when I got another email from him:


    You’ve been sent a Flickr Mail from nateklaiber:


    :: Threats

    Mr. Moulton,
    Please note both Flickr.com and the proper authorities have
    been notified as I have flagged you as:

    a) A potential pedophile
    b) A potential sexual predator
    c) Making unwarranted threats

    All information has been submitted to them, and any future
    communication will be directed to them as well.

    LOL

    Boy I think ya broke the irony meter on that one, Kiddo. And unless
    you’re now claiming to be underage (boy won’t that be fun to tell your
    clients) I don’t see where you’re coming up with these random pedo
    accusations…well, I mean other than the whole angry, desperation
    thing you got goin.

    It’s pretty typical with your type…you go around mouthing off, then
    ya get put in yer place by someone better, but oh no, yer from the lil
    Johnny Flunk school of education…passed along from one grade to the
    next, always getting an ‘A’ for having a positive ‘Attitude’, always
    having someone there to spoon feed you and wipe your ass for you,
    never once even tasting the bitterness of failure or
    inadequacy…well, until you reach the real world anyway, then ya meet
    someone like me who pretty much -- slaps you eight ways to last
    Tuesday with yer own stupidity. And so really, what recourse do you
    have? I mean it’s not like I’m wrong, it’s not like you can actually
    counter any of the arguments or points I brought up in the email to
    your client…so what does lil Johnny Flunk do in a situation like
    that? Yeah, that’s right…you lie…you slander…you -- Jesus up
    the ass with the business end of a steel rake and you resort to the
    most pathetic, Hitler inspired, cliche of “attacks”, couching your
    failed reasoning in the guise of, “Oh I read the accusation somewhere
    else by a doorknob just like me so it MUST be true!”

    Let me tell ya something child, I’ve seen yer lil song and dance many
    times over. I’ve been on the net even before you knew what the
    Internet was. I’ve been randomly accused of pretty much everything
    under the sun, from being a supposed pedophile, to the polar opposite
    contradiction of a pedophile (an adult baby), to even the full
    embodiment of the antichrist himself. Your flailing, blind
    accusations however hold no weight and unfortunately for you, you
    can’t back lies up with bull--

    So you fail…and that makes you angrier…doesn’t it? So you do it
    again…and again…and again…and eventually an interesting thing
    happens. You become what’s known by many as a “Hatter Addict”.
    Forever trying to “get back” at me for blistering your ass over my
    knee with reality, rather than simply own up to your failings. Little
    Johnny Flunk can NEVER admit to failure, can you? So you get caught
    in a vicious cycle, since, sad to say for you, nothing bothers
    me…ever. Hell, I once had a kook like you who went so far over the
    edge he actually hacked and defaced the Nambla home page with pictures
    and derogatory remarks about me. Now honestly child, if THAT didn’t
    bother me, do you REALLY think your lil overcompensation is even going
    to give me anything more a bit of a chuckle?

    snicker

    You’re WAY out of yer league on this one you cl00less Webbie and we
    Netters…well we don’t ever go easy on yer type. Anything you
    censor, delete or try and hide will be reposted publicly on Usenet.
    And no, Sparkles, you can’t get things taken off Usenet. Once
    posted…posts are permanent, they can’t EVER be undone, they’re
    FOREVER. And no amount of your --ing and whining to Flickr or any
    other entity that has nothing to do with Usenet at all is going to
    bother listening to you so long as I follow the rules on THEIR site.

    The key phrase being “their site”. Anything that happens outside of
    their domain isn’t their problem, no matter how much you would like to
    try and make it so. I can understand the need though, lil Johnny
    Flunk is looking for a new parent figure to bail him out and make him
    feel all warm, protected and special…hate to break it to ya, but I
    REALLY don’t think the guys who own Flickr wanna take on THAT
    particular role in regards to your -- britches. It’s high time
    you put on some big girl panties and learn to wipe yer own ass, Kiddo.
    nods

    Man, this guy is insane. I replied to point out that the Flickr complaint was filed by Nate Klaiber, not Reid Young.

    Oops, my bad, you both subscribe to the same Flickr group and you both had little snit fits in regards to recent postings of mine so I mixed the two of you up. Disregard the last email and good luck with your client (hopefully you’re working on correcting some of the problems I brought up).

    Sure, I’ll get to work on that.

    sprite JamesPicard_007

    the Wall-Crusher Enabler

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    He actually e-mailed your client?

    Oh man, I hope he understands the doors that open for a slander suit.
    Nothing Much Podcast The greatest podcast you’ve never heard of.

    sprite Lesser Mook

      I don't know whether to be mad at this guy or weep for his stupidity.

      sprite Eb fan 2

        I remember seeing his entry in Encyclopedia Dramatica months ago. Oh man that guy is such a loser.

        sprite s.p.a.

          Reid, It's time we had a talk. I know a guy. He's not a violent guy but I know he doesn't like idiots. He also has a multitude of swords. Please let me sick him on this jerk. Cool

          sprite king_pseudonym

          Mostly Harmless

            Could posting about him on the site attract him here?

            This seems like the kind of guy who googles himself daily.

            sprite s.p.a.

              Bah, let him come! If he does Reid could always I.P. ban him. Even better, he could just consider this website not worth his time.

              Either way, I'll think if something that will shut him up.

              Capn Muffin

              Bad Enough Dude

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              Wow, that is NUTS.

              sprite Dungeon Master

                In all seriousness Reid, sue him for slander.

                sprite Frank the Person

                  It's sad he doesn't have more of a life than that. Although, He has become a legend of sorts which is more than I can say for myself.

                  FZ mk. II

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                  Tell him that you've thought long and hard about his suggestions and decided to implement them exactly to his specifications. Then send him a link to EBROX's homepage.

                  sprite s.p.a.

                    WAITAMINUTE! This guy lives in Washington?!

                    sprite reidman

                      Heheh, Zamboni's suggestion is prime comedy material. Unfortunately I decided to stop saying anything to this guy -- even when I reply with just a couple of words like 'No, sorry, too busy to talk with you' he shoots back with these huge emails. It is kinda sad...

                      And these forums aren't indexed by Google, or else I probably wouldn't have posted this. But I shouldn't have posted it in the first place, so avast!

                      sprite JamesPicard_007

                      the Wall-Crusher Enabler

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                      Reid, you were always a horrible tease.
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                      Mr. Accident

                        Heh, did you take a look at his "design" website? All his client sites look like tacky pieces of crap. Some of them literally look like a cheap Powerpoint presentation.

                        PWNing noobs in a courtroom near you.

                        Grinch that stole your Wookie art

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                        He gets points for effort but a C- for overall presentation. Too many words used for a simple trolling.

                        Why is this locked? Sad
                        For you, the day Falcon24 banned you from the forums was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.

                        ShadowX

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                        The internet is full of some very strange people that have too much free time on their hands. Also, hes a punk. LAME.

                        btw, this rocks.

                        edit:
                        Oh man, I just read his wiki page. Wow.

                        I'm supposed to be some kind of a genius...least that's what people tell me.

                        Anarchy in the SB SimonBob

                        Heckran-type

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                        Like all maniacal interweb geniuses, he even has his own random post generator. reidman has the same color of underwear as *******.net, and thus is Pokevolution.
                        The greatest guy ever, maybe.

                        PWNing noobs in a courtroom near you.

                        Grinch that stole your Wookie art

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                        Seriously I don't understand why this is locked :/
                        For you, the day Falcon24 banned you from the forums was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.

                        Anarchy in the SB SimonBob

                        Heckran-type

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                        Oddly enough, I don't either! I think reid has the power to lock topics without leaving any trace of himself on the action viewer.
                        The greatest guy ever, maybe.

                        LiarXAgerate

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                        SimonBob wrote on Thu, 20 September 2007 10:59
                        Oddly enough, I don't either! I think reid has the power to lock topics without leaving any trace of himself on the action viewer.


                        No, the only person with that kind of power is...

                        Matthew Moulton!

                        sprite reidman

                          Heh, I locked this because nothing good could come of it. But it IS entertaining, so here's a particularly insane excerpt from the last email he sent me:

                          From 'Dont Be A Tool, Learn When To Say "NO"', an email by Matthew Moulton
                          Friends are only enemies that don't have the
                          guts to kill you...online anyway. I'm a Netter, and we Netters do
                          things a bit different than you Webbie kids. Over on Usenet there's
                          no such thing as banning, censoring, or even deleting posts. You
                          either take what's given and accept it or you put blinders on (kill
                          filters) and shut yourself the **** up from whoever it was who made
                          you cry.

                          The hostile environment breeds incredible creativity though. Yes,
                          it's true, many aspiring artists in their respective fields do wind up
                          completely ripped apart and simply give up, quit and run home to
                          mommy...but those that don't...those who view the critiques and
                          attacks as challenges to their ability, challenges to be met and over
                          come...they reach a whole new level of expertise. I like to call it,
                          God Level Design. Not necessarily meant to mean perfection, but
                          rather creationism, building sites as works of art, that seem alive
                          and function like a living creature at the code level. My perfect
                          liquid form is a good example of using such techniques:
                          http://www.backwater-productions.net/_test_platform/liquid/
                          http://www.backwater-productions.net/_test_platform/liquid/JS_Source.txt

                          No Webbie on some ban happy lil message board will ever achieve coding
                          expertise like that. There simply isn't any motivating factor pushing
                          them that far.

                          ShadowX

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                          So basically let jerks act like jerks without any kind of punishment or retaliation because they are really trying to help you grow? Uh, no. And lol at his example.

                          PWNing noobs in a courtroom near you.

                          Grinch that stole your Wookie art

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                          I sure love his website that takes 10 seconds to load fully on the college's Ethernet connection, good optimization there imo
                          For you, the day Falcon24 banned you from the forums was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.

                          Mr. Accident

                            ROFL.

                            Man, if he wants an example of a website that screams "designed by a 15-year-old", I think his non-standard, JavaScript-generated pile of images with five-minute Photoshop graphics and a "Matrix" rip-off background serves as a quintessential exemplar. But I guess he's a Netter, so he's obviously better able to recognize "perfect liquid form". Heh.


                            EDIT: Oh good lord. He even uses his own DTD because "W3C sucks." This guy is living in his own little world.

                            PWNing noobs in a courtroom near you.

                            Grinch that stole your Wookie art

                            • Aces
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                            I thought it was pretty obvious by this point that this guy is either stupendously delusional or absolutely brilliant when it comes to playing up his Internet persona.
                            For you, the day Falcon24 banned you from the forums was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.

                            zushiba
                            Friezardzsdfegadf

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                            You should feel honored someone would put so much time and effort in to flaming you.
                            -I hate signatures.